So You Want To Buy Booze Without Being Carded

1. Go at an awkward, busy time of day. Five or six in the evening ought to do it. People are getting off work, finding parking is a bitch, it's hectic, the grocery store shifts are about to change and everyone's really as frazzled as you are.

2. Bring some kids. Borrow some if you don't have any of your own. They'll be half-wired and half-exhausted, hungry and amped up. Extra points if they have changed from school clothes into some bizarre getup like, for example, a cheerleader dress with a mermaid tail under it, or a ballerina costume with Hello Kitty platform flipflops and a witch's hat. Just for example.

3. As for your clothes, wear what you've got on: the same thing you've had on all day, except that as soon as you take the keys out of the ignition in the grocery store parking lot you realize there's some kind of weird stain right smack on your boob. And don't wipe the mascara smudges from underneath your eyes, those are key.

4. Purchase the following: the booze you came for in the first place, two frozen "kids' meals" in fluorescent packaging with "Pudding with Star-Shaped Sprikles [sic]!!!!!", a tube of wrinkle cream. Be especially excited about the fact that you get a couple bucks off the wrinkle cream with your frequent shopper card, because that's just the kind of desperation you need right now.

5. When you get up to the register, freak out because where the fuck is your ATM card? Where is it? You just had it! Where the fuck...

6. It's in that side pocket of your purse that's too small for anything else to fit into it. Why is that pocket even there?

7. Make sure the kids (yours, borrowed--it doesn't matter. Does it?) totally lose their minds in some way.  Crying fits are okay, but a weird game of "hide from the cashier and then jump up and shriek "HELLO! HOW ARE YOU! HELLO! CAN YOU SEE US DOWN HERE" over and over again the whole time the poor man is trying to ring mama up!" is much more unexpected.

8. Do not be surprised when nobody asks you if you'd like help out to your car.

Comments

[DadaMama]

You're living my life. My kids *always* lose it at the grocery store. It's those times when I realize it's a damn good thing they're cute, because otherwise? I would kill them.

Mine like to "help" by asking repeatedly for candy and then reaching their little sticky paws up to push the buttons on the debit machine.

We don't get offered help much either.

[Daisy]

I'm surprised they didn't offer you a second bottle, saying,"You look like you need this." :)

[Auntie Nancy]

AHHH!!!!
THE GOOD OLD DAYS.
AUNTIE N

[Grammy]

You just come here for Thanksgiving and I will take the kids off your hands. You can read, shop and sleep.