Sometimes The Going Gets Tough

It has been a really rough week or two or six.

I got sick. The girls got sick. Then my teeth got sick. Then Dug pulled a muscle in his back. Then he went skiing anyway. Then he had to lie in bed and sleep for a few days. Then I had to keep the girls from reverting to their natural state of shrieking at high decibel and pitch and jumping on him, because if I didn't do it, he'd never get better.

Molly is taking her Theatrical Threes to Academy-Award-winning levels. Maggie is officially in her Terrible Twos, Now With Biting! The two of them together are too much, I find myself screaming at them to stop whatever they're doing for just one goddamned minute while I page through the "mother's helper" ads on Craigslist in peace.

I want to farm everybody out. I want a nanny and a job, not necessarily in that order. Not necessarily for real, just in the moment, because when everybody is whining, I remember what it's like to be around a bunch of whiny babies who can't do anything without being handheld through the process but at least getting a paycheck for it. Raising two small children is a lot like working retail at Christmas in that respect--but without an employee discount. I can't believe I'm nostalgic for those days, for chasing shoplifters instead of toddlers.

The weather has been rainy and crappy. There are these weird bunnies who have taken up residence in our yard, and they stare at me funny. They're like the Bunnies of the Damned, and they creep me out.

Why everything at once? Why not spread out the bullshit a little, so it's manageable? Why can't the kids be rotten one at a time, why can't we all feel sorry for my teeth until they're fixed, and THEN Dug can have his pulled muscle for a while? Why can't the evil Bunnies of Doom wait until spring has well and truly sprung before coming around to stare at me balefully, instead of sitting out there in the rain and doing it?

Comments

[Green]

As I sit here breathing in paint fumes that HR will do nothing about, while my next-desk coworker yaps too loudly into the phone like it's her job, while I'm wearing shoes that hurt my feet, and I'm bummed that I have to be at work instead of being able to go out and buy Halls Vitamin C drops for my sore throat, I do feel sorry for you and your teeth. If I wasn't worried I was coming down with something, I'd offer to switch with you for a day.

I imagine you looking at both girls screaming and then just laying down on the floor and beating it with your fists while you scream right along with them.

[Patti]

Dude, you get to wear shoes that hurt your feet. You have no idea how much I miss that. I'm so over sensible footwear.

And you basically described exactly what happens when both girls are tantruming at once. The day I can't pound the floor harder and scream louder than these children is the day I really do hire a nanny and go back to retail.

[CityMama]

I can come over with soup. And traps.

[karen S]

oh lord help me, why the fuck am i having a second child? did you see my post last night where i said i am DONE being a mom and a wife and a pregnant beeyotch? want to run away together? i promise i won't tell anybody where we are.

sorry about your rough week... here's hoping for more cuteness and less burn-out soon. very very soon.

[Angela]

I feel your pain. "Double trouble" doesn't even begin to cover it...

[jackie]

I am now scared of bunnies...wait...I hear something...could it be a...a...a...bunny? NO!!!!!!!!!

[Grammy]

Just think how those poor bunnies feel. They are sitting in the rain and waiting for some generous soul to bring them in out of the rain and feed them. I bet M & M would love to feed the bunnies! Did you know you have to file the teeth down on bunnies in captivity or they get too long and the bunnies can't eat properly. I just found that out. The teacher decided to just get a snake instead and I remembered Sondra's snakes penis story and I laughed so hard I almost fell off a chair. No pets for me except grand children.